The realisation hit that we were back there again. I felt scared. How am I going to do this again? I can’t. But I have no choice. I have to. I began my self-talk: “Be strong”. “You can”. “You will get through it.” The love I have for my child is bigger than this. That, I know. Once again I am Mum – and carer.
After almost four years of my daughter’s recovery from anorexia nervosa, I found myself appealing to a counsellor for help. Things were going downhill fast. Encouraging friends said: “You’ve done this before; you know what to do,” but the reality was I had no idea what to do. What I’d done then wasn’t working now. Like a bomb, relapse had landed and this new and awful normal was playing out like an horror movie.
Year 12 had finished. My child had put enormous pressure on herself to achieve throughout the year. She also felt trapped in a toxic relationship. Sadly, many moments during the year she expressed, through word and action, not wanting to be here anymore. And now, after six years of having been cocooned in the routine and relative safety of a school environment, the world had opened up. With this new freedom came uncertainty and overwhelm … study, work, relationships, new opportunities, friends, decisions. It felt too much.
My child no longer complied with eating. She was instead hellbent on what appeared to be self-destruction. It was excruciatingly painful and horrifying not being able to feed and nourish her like we did before. She was resentful and angry about past ED treatment, immobilised by thoughts of the future, and, as a result, determined to align within the safety of “Her”. Her ED mindset was a female presence. They were now one.
With a new team in place, I realised quickly I had to change what we were doing. We set family and medical boundaries for the safety of her and our whole family. I walked gently alongside her and held on to my unshakeable belief that she was going to be ok. We had to dig deep to navigate meltdowns, self-harm, suicidality, near-loss, police and ambulance callouts. After each blow, I found myself digging a little deeper.
Despite what felt like a lifetime, somehow our family survived, and resurfaced again after licking our wounds in each of our respective corners.
Relapse was the catalyst that bought my child time and gave her space to explore and make sense of all the stuff she hadn’t. The stuff that really mattered, such as “Why have I always felt wrong?”, “Why do I loathe myself?”, “Why do I feel like I don’t belong in this world?”, “What are my values?”, “Who am I?”, “Why have I never felt like an acceptable human being?”, “Am I a fraud?”, “Why would other people ever want to like or even love me?”.
Relapse gave her a voice when she felt silenced and unheard. We all listened.
With the help of her counsellor, she worked through these life questions and challenged long-held internal beliefs. It was then that she invested in her own healing. In her time. On her terms.
Two years on, we are wiser and more understanding. We continue to value our connection, conversation, our differences and the little things like the comfort of calm, the warmth and safety of our love and deep care for each other.
In order to move forward, I believe my child’s relapse was necessary. I also believe that her inner strength and courage to somehow get up and show up every day, under extreme duress and despite the abuse of her own mind, helped me in turn find my own strength and courage in those darkest, cruellest and longest hours.
I continue to be in awe of her resilience and resolve to do life. She is an exceptional and extraordinary human.
And I feel humbled and grateful to be “just Mum” again
*For someone with an eating disorder, the stages of change are a necessary part of healing.
These stages are Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, Maintenance and Termination.
The key to successful change is to know what stage you or your loved one is in!
During these stages, progress is not linear and relapse is the rule and not the exception.
Often a person experiencing an eating disorder will spiral through the stages of change three or four times before they exit. Be prepared for complications!
Distress and social pressure can often precipitate relapse. Be aware that guilt and self-blame exacerbate the relapse.
Progress takes place in all stages and moving from stage to stage is progress. Invisible changes will take place in the first three stages – changes in awareness, emotions, self-image and thinking. Visible changes take place in the last three stages – action, termination and maintenance.
The path of successful change for anyone requires an openness and willingness to learn, to make change a top priority, increase understanding of how the problem works for and against them and develop new coping skills and strategies.
Believing that change is possible is more likely to bring success. These beliefs stem from words, thoughts and images and we can use our mind power to create change.
*Changing for Good J Prochaska, J Norcross, C DiClemente
EDFA is a community of parents and carers who have supported or are supporting a loved one with an eating disorder. EDFA provides support, education, connection, advocacy and empowerment to families and carers.
Hold hope for your loved one, no matter how unwell they are or how complex or entrenched their illness is. Always remember that recovery is possible for everyone with an eating disorder. Join us at www.edfa.org.au.