The Male Experience as an Eating Disorder Carer
You might be surprised to learn that in 2022, three million Australians identified as carers – that’s almost 12% of people living in households, up from 10.8% in 2018. The split between genders is surprisingly close: 12.8% of females and 11.1% of males are carers.
Yet a review of people seeking support from EDFA’s Fill The Gap (FTG) counselling service over 18 months reveals a striking gap: only about 14% of those who reached out for support were male. This gap is also reflected in the research, highlighting a need to better understand and support male carers.
This Father’s Day, Fill The Gap Counsellor Mark Hill delves into the male perspective of being an eating disorder carer.
David Quilty, EDFA’s Men’s Support Groups facilitator, offers his insights into the male carers he meets:
“I am regularly surprised about the diverse background of the [Men’s Support Group] participants. They come from all parts of Australia, including quite a few from regional Australia, and from a wide range of cultural backgrounds. The participants are mainly caring for either children or partners. Some are new to eating disorders (and trying to get over the initial hump) while others have been caring for very long periods (particularly the partners). Their commitment is often very inspiring. No matter how challenging it is, they don’t give up.
Many male carers are unclear and unsure about their role, particularly if their daughter is the person with the eating disorder. In many cases, the caring is shared between the parents and often the father feels guilty they are not doing enough. In other cases, the mother and father may have separated so they are juggling multiple housing arrangements as well as communications challenges and difficulties engaging with health professionals. In many cases, issues between parents are put aside for the sake of the child with the eating disorder. The need to provide support for their fellow carer giving them some respite (and worries about the impact on siblings) is a common theme.
Often men come to the role of an eating disorder carer less prepared and less understanding than women. The fact that a loved one can’t or won’t eat is often very perplexing for men. They also feel very alone because eating disorders is not a subject that men talk with each other about or are comfortable talking about. I think that is why the Men’s Support Group is so important. Virtually every group, there is someone who opens and lets it all out, and you know they have not been able to do so previously. Having other men in similar situations who are empathetic, supportive and providing practical tips really gives them a boost. And they are so grateful for the opportunity.
Last, I would like to say something about the male partner carers. The care and support they provide, often over decades, is phenomenal. They may forsake their careers (or have to work even harder), their friendship groups and their hobbies and recreational time, to live lives they never expected. It is very hard on them, with lots of ups and downs, but they keep going due to their love and devotion for their partners.”
Male carers face unique experiences and challenges:
1. Differing emotional responses and coping styles
Male carers may experience and express emotional distress differently than female carers. Some studies suggest that fathers often adopt a more cognitive, problem-solving approach and may avoid conflict or try to control it.
2. Feelings of responsibility
Like mothers, fathers report significant distress, guilt, frustration and helplessness. However, men may feel additional pressure to “fix” the situation or take a pragmatic, problem focused approach. Many male carers are unclear and unsure about their role and feel guilty about not doing enough.
3. Relational strain
Male partners often note how the illness impacts intimacy and connection in their relationship.
4. Stigma and isolation
Perhaps most significantly, male carers can feel particularly isolated due to societal expectations that caregiving is “women’s work”. This making makes it challenging harder for men to seek or receive support. Some feel discomfort or embarrassment discussing how they feel, which may lead to reluctance in accessing help.
5. Neglect in research and services
Male carers remain underrepresented in studies, and report sometimes feeling overlooked by clinicians.
6. Interaction with health professionals
Fathers often report feeling less engaged with their loved one’s treatment team due to traditional gender roles and societal expectations that position mothers as primary caregivers.
How men feel supported as carers
Speaking as a man myself, I can confirm that men need help too! There’s a song called ‘No Man is an Island’. Some of the lyrics:
“No man is an island, we can be found
No man is an island, let your guard down!
You don’t have to fight me, I am for you
We’re not meant to live this life alone!”
Although things may be improving, in Western culture men have often been socialised to hide their emotions, which is harmful. It takes unlearning, awareness building, intentionality and re-learning to shift this. This means, when men take on caregiving roles that are deeply emotional, like supporting someone with an eating disorder, they can feel lost. As David Quilty highlights, the opportunity to share emotions in a safe, non-judgmental space is many times a novel experience for men. Although they may be nervous to start, it’s essential to have these opportunities.
Another common trait is the desire to “fix”. Taps and toilets, and even complicated feats of engineering, can be problems solved and fixed, but the human mind is far more complex. Accepting uncertainty or leaning into it can be difficult, but it often leads to the answers and growth needed.
With support and connection, we can navigate the caring journey, together.
If you or someone you know is a male carer seeking support, know that you are not alone, and hep is available. Reach out, connect with others, and take care of yourself as you care for your loved one.
Additional resources:
The needs of carers: a comparison between eating disorders and schizophrenia (2008)
The experience of living with a person with an eating disorder: the impact on the carers (2005)
Gender differences in caregiving among family – caregivers of people with mental illnesses (2016)
Eating Disorders Families Australia (EDFA) provides support and services for carers supporting loved ones with neurodivergence and an eating disorder.
EDFA’s Men’s Support Group is open to any carer identifying as male, including dads, partners, siblings, and friends, who are supporting a loved one with an eating disorder. The group is held every two months in the evenings, providing a safe space to connect, share experiences, and gain support from other males who understand.
EDFA’s Fill The Gap counselling service offer free, one-on-one online counselling to support carers in navigating the challenges of caring for a loved one with an eating disorder or disordered eating concerns.
Please contact Administrative Assistant Bailey Wightman on 03 9125 5670 or email bailey.wightman@edfa.org.au if you need support accessing the service.
About Eating Disorders Families Australia
Eating Disorders Families Australia (EDFA) is the only national organisation solely for carers and families of those with an eating disorder. EDFA provides support, EDucation, advocacy, and FREE online counselling services and annual membership. EDFA has a private Facebook forum, providing a safe place for eating disorder carers and family members to share experiences, seek advice and assistance, and find hope.