Co-Parenting Under Two Roofs: Supporting a Child with an Eating Disorder After Separation
Caring for a child with an eating disorder is a courageous act – one that requires consistency, collaboration, patience, and empathy. But what happens when the carers themselves are no longer in partnership? Divorce or separation can strain communication, magnify differences, and disrupt routines when a young person needs stability the most.
Many families navigating eating disorder recovery do so under two roofs. This can make everything – from food choices and mealtime consistency to therapy attendance and emotional support – feel infinitely more complex. Despite the obstacles, it is absolutely possible to support your child’s health and wellbeing, even when the parental relationship is distant or high in conflict.
In this blog, EDFA’S Hospital Liaison Officer Marianne Edmonds explores concrete strategies, research-based insights, and gentle encouragement for separated parents figuring out how to collaborate through the daily challenges.
Parents often bring different beliefs, comfort levels, and knowledge about eating disorders, treatment, nutrition, boundaries and financial commitment. Importantly, a lack of parental alignment is not unique to separated families – even in partnered households, parents often disagree on eating disorder strategies. However, in separated or divorced families, this dynamic can become more pronounced and impactful for a child’s recovery.
High quality co-parenting after separation is critical for the wellbeing of every child, but especially in the context of recovery from eating disorders. Research shows the quality of the co-parenting relationship significantly influences family outcomes post-divorce (Darwiche et al., 2022). Specifically, greater conflict is associated with lower body mass index (BMI) in the child (Criscuolo et al., 2020). When conflict runs high, children may feel stuck in the crossfire and for a young person with an eating disorder, this stress can interfere with the recovery journey.
Practical strategies for co-parenting a child with an eating disorder:
1. Focus on the Shared Goal: Your Child’s Recovery
You don’t need to be best friends with your co-parent. But you do need to centre your child’s recovery in every decision you make. If a disagreement arises, ask yourself – “Is this about my child’s wellbeing or leftover conflict with my ex?” Where possible, defer to eating disorder professionals and your treatment team to guide decisions. Where one parent is less engaged or sceptical, extra parent-only sessions can help foster understanding and alignment.
2. Aim for Consistency, Not Perfection
Predictability and routine are healing for children with eating disorders. Where custody is shared, try to keep meal types, portion sizes, supervision, and consequences as consistent as possible. An eating disorder will naturally draw the child toward the “easier” household, so both parents should aim for unified rules and structure.
That said, some differences are inevitable. Exposure to slightly varied routines or expectations, if both homes are generally supportive and the basics are covered, can ultimately foster flexibility and resilience in your child’s recovery.
When direct collaboration is too difficult, consider “parallel parenting” – a structured, low-contact approach where parents follow agreed guidelines and care principles while minimising direct personal interaction, shielding your child from unnecessary stress.
3. Avoid criticising each other - especially around your child
Conflict between co-parents can negatively impact family functioning and the child’s recovery. Building skills in conflict management, sometimes with professional support, is a key part of effective co-parenting for separated families. Children are acutely aware of parental tension. Criticism (even subtle) towards the other parent increases a child’s stress and may lead them to shoulder emotional weight. Keep conversations as neutral and child-focused as possible. Practice neutral, supportive language such as:
“Both of us want only the best for you, even if we have different ways of helping.”
“Let’s talk about this with your dad / mum AND your care team together and we will be able to all find a solution that works for you.”
4. Communicate Clearly and Document if Necessary
Effective co-parenting relies on clear and respectful communication channels. When emotions run high, digital tools like shared Google Docs can help – use them to document meal plans, medical updates, therapy notes, or photos of meals and progress. This approach not only keeps both parents on the same page but also helps the clinical team track progress.
Agree on key points to communicate weekly:
- Medical or weight updates
- Therapy feedback
- School concerns e.g. meal supervision
- Changes in boundaries or routines e.g. social media access, meal portion sizes
- Emotional well-being and weekly therapy goals
If conversations derail into blame, redirect: “Let’s keep this about (child’s name) and their needs.”
5. Lean on Professional Support
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. A therapist specialising in eating disorders can be invaluable in fostering communication, bridging differences, and crafting collaborative solutions unique to your family’s configuration. Sometimes, brief mediation or extra parent-only sessions may be required.
EDFA offers free online support groups and one-on-one counselling for carers of a loved one with an eating disorder. Reach out – you are not alone.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Divorce is hard. Eating disorders are hard. Coping with both at the same time can be intensely challenging. If you’re feeling depleted, irritable, guilty, or simply exhausted, that is completely normal. No one travels this road perfectly. There is no blueprint. The important thing is to keep going and keep as much as you can control as consistent as possible.
Caring for yourself is vital. As the old saying goes, secure your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else. Your demeanor can significantly affect your child’s sense of security. Give yourself permission to:
- Step away from conflict;
- Take breaks as required;
- Ask for help – write a list of anything that will take something off your to do list e.g., mowing the lawn, take the siblings to a movie, picking up the dry cleaning
- Practice emotional boundary setting – separate your feelings of resentment through mindful exercises, journalling, walking the dog, yoga;
And above all, forgive yourself if you do not always get it right. Very few of us do.
Separated and divorced parents can absolutely co-parent a child through eating disorder recovery, even when it isn’t easy. By prioritising a united (or at least consistent) approach, establishing clear routine and boundaries, communicating respectfully, seeking expert support, and caring for yourself, you form the backbone of your child’s safety net.
If ongoing conflict, resistance from one parent, or logistical barriers exist, don’t hesitate to bring in professional mediators or seek extra support. Your child’s safety, medical stabilisation, and steady progress must always take precedence. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint, and your perseverance, compassion and teamwork, however imperfect, are the greatest give you can give.
Please note: If there is ongoing post separation abuse it is advised to access a specialised Domestic and Family Violence (DFV) service to help navigate.
When power imbalances are present it will impact the decision making of one or both parents, and it is important for this to be addressed for the child with the eating disorder to be supported in the best possible way.
EDFA’s FREE Online Support Groups offer a safe space for you to connect with other carers of a loved one with an eating disorder Australia-wide.
EDFA’s Fill The Gap counselling service offer free, one-on-one online counselling to support carers in navigating the challenges of caring for a loved one with an eating disorder or disordered eating concerns.
Please contact Administrative Assistant Bailey Wightman on 03 9125 5670 or email bailey.wightman@edfa.org.au if you need support accessing the service.
About Eating Disorders Families Australia
Eating Disorders Families Australia (EDFA) is the only national organisation solely for carers and families of those with an eating disorder. EDFA provides support, EDucation, advocacy, and FREE online counselling services and annual membership. EDFA has a private Facebook forum, providing a safe place for eating disorder carers and family members to share experiences, seek advice and assistance, and find hope.